Thursday, February 27, 2014

why set free || part two

When I started writing this blog I mostly wrote about our little family's adventures.  Then as I got more into it, I found it to be a place to spill my guts.  I'm an introvert, not good with saying things out loud, especially in a group, but confident in writing things down...putting it all out there, on a piece of paper.

So as I began to spill my guts, I began to write about our Baby Journey (you can read about it here, here, here, and here).  And I felt a little ashamed just putting it all out there, wondering if I was going to be looked at differently, judged.  But at the same time I felt set free...I know, weird...but it was like a burden had been lifted off my shoulders.  Like I guess I don't care if I'm judged because this is me.  Like I'm so tired of feeling alone in this, does anyone out there know what I'm going through?  But still, set free.

Because as I began to write about our journey, I began to hear stories of other women.  Women like me, struggling with infertility.  Women like me feeling ashamed to not be able to do what our bodies were created to do.  Women like me feeling jealous of other women's pregnancies.  Women like me feeling sorrow, hopelessness, empty.

And yet at the same time, I'd feel guilty.  But I already have one healthy, smart, beautiful child.  Maybe this is part of God's Plan...for me to be the mother of one child.  So many women out there would give their right arm to have what I already have, and yet I'm still feeling these selfish thoughts.

But I kept writing, which then lead to talking about it.  As people would ask questions, I would answer...sometimes bluntly...So when are you going to have more kids?  Claire needs a sibling!....Well, we've been trying for over 4 years now, have gone to fertility specialists, taken all the tests and I still can't get pregnant....again, my introvert awkwardness.

And some people would say all the right things...healing things, life-giving things....and I've read Scriptures...Promises....and I've come to a place of Peace.  I've been able to look back and see God's hand through it all.  And our journey isn't even close to being over. 

There are days where I still struggle.  Whenever a pregnancy is announced, a sweet babe is born, I wonder Lord, when will it be my turn?  And a wave of Peace always comes over me...and I'm reminded of how I've been set free...of jealousy, comparison, and planning things in my time.  Set free to choose how I'm going to respond during hard times, set free to love and encourage other women, set free to love myself and all my imperfections, set free to be confident in who I am in Christ.
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1 comment:

Enjoying The Journey said...

What an inspiring post! I found your blog through Simply Clark and I am excited to explore more. I loved what you said about comparing to others, "When is it my turn" I feel that way about some things in my future. Thank you for the remender that we are set free from those things. We serve a big and faithful God. You have a beautiful heart and I am so glad I found your blog.